The next post in the series “Relationships and Medical School” is about how to be in a long distance relationship in medical school. Relationships are hard. Add in miles, time zones, and zero facetime, and you’ve got a long distance relationship. Now, add on medical school, and voila, you’ve got a perfect recipe for disaster.
Okay, that’s a bit pessimistic. It doesn’t have to be a disaster. But it is hard. I sent a survey out to students, and of those in a relationships about 38% of them were in long distance relationships. Long distance relationships come with their own set of struggles.
It takes quite a bit of patience and creativity to overcome these issues. However, if you really value the relationship, and for whatever reason, you just can’t be in the same space, then it takes two people trying really hard to make it work. Here are some common struggles and solutions of being in a long distance relationship in medical school.
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A lack of facetime
When you’re in a long distance relationship, one of the most apparent issues is a lack of facetime. You don’t get to see them everyday, or sometimes every week or month. You can only see them face to face when you both have the time. If your distance isn’t that far, then it may not be that big of a deal to see them. However, if you live in different states, or even different countries, then it can be very hard to see someone.
“Everything is a challenge. People on the outside assume it’s easier to be in a long-distance relationship while in medical school, but it’s the opposite. It’s rough and oftentimes depressing to not have my best friend, whom I consider my true home, be physically present with me in the hard times, in the good times, and in the in-between. He’s active duty military while I’m in medical school, so neither of us have flexibility or real control over our schedules to see each other as often as we’d like. Plus with COVID it’s made things even more challenging. We may see each for a couple of days at a time every few months maybe.”
Seeing the person you’re in a relationship with is important. If one of your love languages is quality time or touch, then seeing your significant other is super important. But, when you’re in medical school, this can be hard.
“On of Gf’s love languages is physical touch, so it’s hard to provide that unless we physically visit each other.”
You’re not always in control of your schedule. Money is tight. And free time is usually spent studying or just trying to recover from all the work. This makes being in a long distance relationship in medical school very hard. Your whole relationship is virtual, and sometimes longing for someone can be the underlying issue to a lot of fighting, insecurities, and other negative situations that may eventually cave in the relationship.
Solutions
A lack of facetime may be a really hard thing to overcome, simply because there are extenuating circumstances stopping the two of you from being together. However, you can mitigate this hardship by doing a few things.
One is schedule video chats. With the pandemic, finding ways to have facetime over distance has become much easier. With Facetime, Google Duo, Zoom and any other video chatting services, it’s very easy to plan and carry out time to talk while seeing each other’s faces.
Another potential solution is to extend weekends. Sometimes, it’s impossible to find time, but when you can, try to take a Friday or a Monday off, that way you get a couple of extra days. Maybe this comes at the detriment of one or two extra study days, but sometimes it’s worth it to spend time with the person you love. By planning ahead, you also can build in extra study time on the other days, so you can take those days off without any (or a lot of) guilt.
“[We make it work by] daily check in’s, facetiming, seeing each other when our weekends are completely free to make the most of our time.”
When you do get to spend time, or talk with them, try to disconnect from school as much as possible. You spend so much time studying, talking about school, etc. Sometimes it’s good to unplug. Being more present during your facetime may also help you feel like you’re getting more of it than you actually may be. This can help alleviate some of the feelings of disconnectedness.
A lack of time
A challenge facing both those in relationships and those in a long distance relationship in medical school is a lack of time. Medical school just requires so much energy and attention, that it is hard to make time for your significant other. Around exam time or when things get really busy, it can be even more difficult, which can evoke feelings of guilt.
“[The biggest challenge is] Finding adequate time for quality time, missing important events with/for partner.”
At the same time, school is important. You worked really hard to get there. So, sometimes that has to be a priority so you can do well on exams and quizzes and anything else that can impact your grade. So how do you find this balance?
“We remain best friends. In the midst of our individual ambitions we keep each #1 on our priority list. My SO comes before all my work, and vice-versa, because we know that this is an investment to where our relationship is leading: marriage with a Godly purpose. But we’re also respectful about each other’s work and push each other through, help instead of hinder. We make it work by communicating, venting, praying, and keeping each other priority no matter what.”
Solution
There are some advantages and disadvantages to a long distance relationship in medical school. The disadvantage is not having the freedom to see and speak to them whenever you want. The advantage is, when you have to study, volunteer, tutor, etc., your significant other is not right there requiring attention. They are somewhere else, doing their own thing, giving you the space to do what you need to do.
Use this to your advantage. Schedule time to talk with your significant other, and work on everything else you need to do outside of that window. By scheduling time, you have a “reward” to keep you motivated during the day and you have set aside time to spend with your significant other. This system isn’t ideal, and can be a little stiff at times. However, in order for your relationship to be a priority, along with everything else going on, you may have to become more disciplined in your scheduling to make it work.
“[We make it work by] Not being afraid to set boundaries on how much time I can give to him, constant communication about the little things that happen during the day, setting aside time to call and talk with him every day (usually just 20-30 minutes but sometimes longer), playing Wordle together, sending letters or small gifts every once in a while.”
Feelings of loneliness
The really hard part about having a long distance relationship in medical school is that you don’t get to spend a lot of time with your significant other. Most of the time, this may be okay. But the days it really sucks is when you’ve had a bad day and they’re one of the few people that can help you feel better.
It’s also very hard when your friends talk about going on dates, hanging out, etc. with their significant other, but you don’t have the luxury of the daily hangouts.
“[Challenges of long distance relationships are] Not being able to see them. Hearing how classmates get to go home to their significant other everyday. After every break in the school year, we have to say bye again. Airplane tickets are pricey.”
Medical school can be very isolating, and it’s easy to feel lonely sometimes. It’s also easy to feel unsupported because you don’t have the person there, consoling you when you’ve had a bad day. Medical school friends can be a good support system. But when you’ve built a deeper layer of trust and intimacy with someone, you want that person to be there for you at the end of the day.
Solution
Open communication is key to making a long distance relationship in medical school work. Tell your partner how you’re feeling or what you need. It’s so easy to underestimate how understanding our partners can be. In fact, they probably are feeling some of the same isolation and loneliness that we are. By expressing your feelings to them, they may be able to make something happen and provide you some extra support.
Making plans
“We have a major time zone difference, but we are making the best of it and are happy. It’s a challenge to be apart in general, but part of the challenge is planning our future. There’s a lot of uncertainty for medical graduates and it makes living life outside of medicine difficult.”
As a medical student, it is very tempting to get caught up in long-term plans. Just applying to medical school took so much planning and forethought. Then, when you actually get in, you have to start planning for your residency. So much future planning happens, and when you’re in a long distance relationship, this can become a bit tricky.
When your significant other is making their own plans or leading their own lives somewhere else, you two may be on different paths. If they’re in school, who knows where they could get a job. If they’re working, maybe they really like their job and don’t want to move. Even planning a family can be hard if you don’t know when you’ll be back in the same space.
Solution
Again, constant, open communication is the only way to overcome some of these barriers. If you are consistently open and honest about what is that you want to do and where you want to be, then you can let them know what page you’re on. Unfortunately, it may turn out that the two of you are just on different pages. You’ll either have to compromise or take some time to pursue what each other wants individually.
In addition to that, you both will have to be flexible. You can make tentative plans with contingencies, but be open to those changing. As a medical student, the match process is complicated and leaves little direct control with the student, outside of ranking. If you both are medical students, couples matching can be even more difficult. So, it’s okay to talk and make plans, but just make sure that you both are open to the possibility of those changing, and keeping talking so you know if you’re on the same page or not.
“We have experience and trusted guidance through our life through our coaches and friends. We get guidance in every aspect of life not just our relationship. It’s emotional, spiritual and financial.”
Saying goodbye
Saying goodbye is one of the hardest things when you’re in a long distance relationship in medical school. I know I’ve said this over and it seems like everything is hard. That’s because it is. But there are some things that are just a bit more difficult.
Saying goodbye is on the more difficult side of the spectrum because it can be sad. You know it’s not goodbye forever, but when you finally get to see each other and pretend like you’re a “normal couple” for a few days, it’s hard when that bubble pops. Then it’s back to phone calls, air hugs, and video chats.
I don’t have a solution for this one, because it’s the hardest thing to handle on this list. I’m in a long distance relationship, and it has its pros and cons, just like everything else. But the #1 con for me is saying goodbye. Sometimes I’m thankful to finally have my own space back or be able to get back on my schedule (or diet!). But, I would trade that for a few hours everyday instead of 100% for a few days and 0% for a few weeks.
We try to overcome this by thinking of it more as a “see you later”. That’s about as close to a solution as I can muster. But just try to keep the faith and think positively. Everytime you’re apart, try to remember that it’s temporary and it’s just what has to happen for right now. And continue talking openly and honestly about everything. This will help ease anxiety, confusion, and create a stronger sense of understanding and trust that otherwise may not happen.
If you’re in a long distance relationship and have some additional gems, please leave them in the comment section below!
See what other medical students are saying…
“Building connection from a distance can be challenging. It really reveals the quality of the communication in your relationship, which can improve.”
“Being very intentional about scheduling in time to talk throughout the week, communication.”
“While we couldn’t see each other all the time, we made an effort to FaceTime everyday around dinner time or before bed time. Good communication is always key.”
“We have study sessions, movie night, & watch our favorite Netflix shows over FaceTime. We also connect spiritually by doing nightly devotions and praying together.”
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