As a medical student, writing about what medical students need is perhaps one of my most important posts to date. The lifestyle of a medical student is best understood by fellow medical students, and only kind of understood by those in the periphery. The busier we get and more stressed we are, it becomes hard, though, to articulate just what our needs are. Sometimes, our needs manifest themselves as random tears, seclusion, moodiness, and snippiness.
Friends and family are the most important sources of support for medical students. But the journey to being a physician is strenuous and we easily isolate ourselves. We get so caught up in the grind, that it’s hard for us to get out of the swirl of madness.
That’s where you come in. As someone who is not in medical school, it is refreshing to talk to someone who is on the outside. Talking to medical students about medical school is exhausting. Sure, they understand what’s going on better than anybody, but medical school friends are just not the same as childhood or college friends and family.
I recruited some help from fellow medical students around the country to come up with a list of what medical students need from friends and family. If we have been bad at communicating this, we hope that this post is a better way to get the message across.
Medical students need understanding
Medical students heavily listed understanding as a response to my survey. But what is understanding? It is a vague term that may be hard for us to ask for clearly. Here are a few ways you can give us understanding.
Understand that we may not always be available
Medical school is a time demand like nothing you can imagine. Med school is our job, spouse, best friend, side piece, and hobby. Just doing mediocre in medical school takes an extreme amount of effort and time. Wanting to do well, get published, volunteer and be a part of applications just adds to that time constraint.
So when we can’t take phone calls, visit, or show up to an event, it really is because we’re busy. We have the thought process that if we do everything we need to to get into residency now, then later, we’ll be in a better position to be in charge of our schedules. It takes a lot of patience from friends and family to understand this and not guilt trip us about it.
It’s frustrating and we know you miss us, but understand that we’re sacrificing a lot now for the results on the backend. It will be a lot easier and less stressful for us to be able to do that without being incessantly asked to do things we said we can’t, arguing about our busy schedules, or being made to feel guilty.
Understand that free time is not free time
Now, there are pockets when we may not have class obligations, but that doesn’t mean we’re ready to get caught up on our social lives. When you’re in medical school, even if you “have nothing to do” you always have something you could be doing. The checklist is never complete until we’re out of residency. So just because you know our class schedule, doesn’t mean fill in open spots with plans and events.
Also, when there are moments that we get breaks, we really want them as breaks. From everything. This sounds like a lose lose for family, but at the end of a long exam week, the only thing we may want to do is lay down, sleep, and watch Netflix. Being social, going to events, or hitting the streets takes a lot of effort and energy. Sometimes we just don’t have it in us. When we have nothing to do, we really want to just do that. When you make plans for us during our breaks, you’re interrupting us doing nothing. That may sound selfish and kind of harsh, but it’s true.
Understand that we are are constantly in search for a balance
During the transition into medical school, medical students are constantly trying to figure out how to study, what to study, and when to sleep and eat. As we continue on through our program, we may start to find the magic formula. We tweak them constantly as classes change, research projects start, and we get involved in more activities. However, finding that work life balance is something medical students are constantly working at.
Be patient with that process. We will get you in there, and maybe we need to sit down and have a conversation with you to figure out exactly when and how we can get you in there. But please understand our priorities have changed. You’re not dismissed, and we still love and appreciate everything you have done for us to this point. We just want your love and understanding to be more flexible than medical school, so as we play around with that schedule, we always know that you’ll be there, supporting and understanding us, without resentment or guilt.
Medical students need someone to talk to
Medical students are lonely. It’s so easy to spend so much time in the books, labs, etc. that you go hours and days without really talking to someone. In the most unexpected times, that can cause a sort of break as we come to grips that this is an isolating career path.
Sure we have fellow medical students, but there’s a certain level of professionalism that you have to maintain with that relationship. Some medical school relationship turn into friendships, but it’s still a competitive atmosphere. Therefore, we can’t necessarily share our deepest, darkest secrets with them.
Your ears and empathy are exactly what medical students need. If we have a bad test day, or someone has upset us, or we’ve had a great accomplishment, we want to share that with you. We want to be able to rant and go off about something just to get it off our chests. Sometimes just saying things aloud helps us mentally sort things out. We may not make a lick of sense to you, but having someone to talk to about our lives that is outside of medical school is so refreshing.
Talk to us without painting the silver lining
The most frustrating thing can be to call someone to complain about something and they completely dismiss what you’re saying with, “Well, at least you’re in medical school and blessed with this opportunity. Don’t forget you asked to be here or you worked so hard for this so that’s what comes with it.”
We know. We know that medical school is a blessing, and we would rather be here, stressed, than not. However, we’re human. We still have bad days and sometimes we contemplate why are we even doing this. Everyday more and more doubt can build up in our minds.
What medical students need from you, as the listener, is to just listen. Decipher if we want advice or if we are just talking and want someone to listen. The easiest question to ask before a conversation is “Are you just ranting or do you want my advice?” This way you both know beforehand, what exactly we need from you out of the conversation.
After we’re done, it would be nice for our feelings to be recognized with a few key phrases:
- “I can understand why you feel that way. If I were in your shoes I would probably be just as [insert emotion].”
- “I’m glad you shared that with me and I hope you feel better being able to finally say how you’re feeling aloud.”
- “I hear that you feel [insert emotion]. That’s totally understandable and good that you came to me about it.”
Even if you don’t agree with how we feel about a situation, just being supportive in the moment as we sort things out is better than dismissing us with the words “At least.” Below is a great video explaining this.
Offer study advice when asked
I played around with this heading, trying to find a nicer way to say it, but I couldn’t find one. As annoying and frustrating as this can be for you, medical students are hard headed and not very good listeners. We like to figure things out on our own and don’t take well to unsolicited advice. It’s not our best quality, but when I took this poll to find out what medical students need, “Don’t give study advice when you don’t know what you’re talking about” came up a few times.
We have greatly staffed schools full of professionals working with us on how to hone in our study skills and be successful. If we’ve got a plan in motion and we’re letting it play out to see if it worked, let us figure things out. It’s hard talking to someone and all they want to do is tell you what you need to be doing or should be doing. We want to do well and are taking advantage of the resources around us. We would rather talk about our study habits with those whose jobs it is to develop us in medical school.
Talk to us about your life
Sometimes we don’t want to talk about medical school. Our entire lives revolve around anatomy and clinical medicine. Yes, it’s fun to share what we’re doing, but please understand when we just don’t feel like talking about it anymore. We want to know about you and what you’ve got going on.
Tell us the tea and all of your accomplishments. Don’t feel like you can’t complain to us or talk to us about your problems because of what we’re dealing with. We want to know. And if we hit you with “At least”, just remind us that we don’t want to hear that and neither do you.
Share pictures and videos with us. Keep sending us funny videos. We may not always respond, but they’re nice to look at when we get a chance and show we haven’t been forgotten about. Keep giving us pieces of information from worlds outside of ours. We greatly appreciate it.
Medical students need support
Support is another one of the vague terms because it can look different for everybody. Below are some more specific ways in which you can help support your medical student.
Help with obligations outside of medical school
Medical school is so consuming, that we don’t have time to devote to things like chores, family, and general self-care. We need help. If your medical student has children, it would be great to take them for a day or just to help with pick up and other duties. Offering to straighten up or help us with our hair or shopping for groceries would be the biggest blessings. These are really small favors that truly go a long way.
Encourage our dreams
It’s really difficult as a medical student to have someone constantly hear, “Whew, all that school? Couldn’t be me. Why are you even doing all this?” Because we want to help and make a difference. This is the life we chose, and hearing doubt from the outside doesn’t help. There may be days when we’re already doubting ourselves. What we need from you is encouragement. Send words and texts of encouragement.
If you know that we’ve got a test coming up, send us some good luck texts. When we have little accomplishments, bask in them with us. The dream is really long, so to help keep us motivated, medical students need to clap at the small victories along the way. If we have ideas, talk to us about them and push us to do what we need to do in order to get to our destinations.
Support us when we need breaks or space
Sometimes the best way you can give a medical student what they need is to give them space. As we are trying to sort through this life and figure it out, we may want a little breathing room to do that. It’s not personal, and we’re not trying to be rude or hurtful. Breaks from people give us the peace and quiet that we don’t get during the day. Let us have that and know that we still love and appreciate you very much.
Help us study
The best way to spend time with a medical student is to help them study. Now, it depends if your medical student likes studying with others or having people quiz them. If they don’t, then please don’t try to quiz them on random parts of the body just to prove whether or not they are actually learning something. That can be really annoying and feel like you’re trying to play us out.
But if your medical student asks you or agrees to be quizzed, then offer them that support. Get some flashcards out and go over them. Just be the study buddy that they need. Maybe they need a fake patient to practice on or need to identify different body regions. Take the time to be that person, and you will be greatly appreciated.
Medical students need care items
We’re broke. We’re hungry. We need to go shopping! I’m just kidding…well kind of. Money, care packages, and gifts would be great. I promise you, we need that $20 now more than we did when we were eight years old. Randomly sending a care item will help remind us that we do have a village rooting for us. Gift cards to our favorite place will help get us out of the library and out to something fun for once.
If we’ve got a test coming up, order us dinner or groceries for pick up. Paying for hairdos or haircuts, nails, massages, workout classes, etc. for self care will really help us stay on top of it. Little contributions go a long way, and after really hard weeks, can produce the water works. Holidays and birthdays aren’t the only time to give a gift. Anytime it’s on your heart to send us something, please don’t hesitate. We need it!
Melanated and Meducated Sweatshirts and Hoodies
Stay warm and comfy in this Melanated and Meducated Sweatshirts and Hoodies.
Handwritten letters are also care items that are very cheap, but so heartwarming. Handwritten letters are a lost art, but full of so much character. We can keep them, return the letter, and have a record of this fun and nostalgic correspondence. Cards are really fun to receive in the mail too, and having little pieces of home in our space is exactly what medical students need.
Medical students need prayer
On my poll, prayer was the number one request by medical students. Being in medical school, it’s so easy to feel like we’re not in control of anything. It’s also very difficult to stay determined towards reaching our goals. Prayer with us or over us will help keep us on the right track. Prayer can remind us that we not only have a village behind us, but a spirit that will carry us through any troubles.
Regardless of your religion or beliefs, calling on a higher power to help us through is impactful. Call us and pray over us, or just include us in your daily prayers. Send us encouraging bible verses and short, powerful sermons or videos that you come across. Even sending us gospel songs or spoken words can give us that religious covering that medical students need.
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I agree that this is an important post, and I love the practical advice. Thank you from all who are trying to support a single or many medical students, and hope you enjoy your well-deserved Thanksgiving break!