If you’re dating someone in medical school, you may be wondering how to be a good significant other to a med student. It can be challenging to date someone in medical school. Their careers are long, and full of unexpected turns. They often don’t have the time or financial ability that other couples around you may have. And you may sometimes wonder if it’s even worth it to join them on this crazy journey, or choose someone with a less demanding profession.
Making relationship work in general can be complicated. Adding 60 hours of studying and working on top of that doesn’t help. However, if you two really love each other, then a few years of hardship are going to be worth the many more that you’ll have together. I took a survey of 72 medical students who shared their thoughts on their own relationships. Below are some of the things they love and don’t really love about their partners. I hope this list helps you learn how to be a good significant other to a med student. And don’t worry, my next article will be about how med students can be good partners too!
Do be a good support system
Being a good support system was one of the most commonly noted responses in the survey. If you want to be a good significant other to a medical student, being there for them is going to be the number one priority. Medical school is hard, and having someone there at the end of the day to listen to you vent is so helpful. Even if you don’t have anything to say, just listening is sometimes the only thing that they need.
Along with support comes reassurance. Medical students get so stuck in their own little worlds, that they could feel like a horrible partner. Reassuring them that they are working hard, and that you respect that can go a long way. Consistently assuring them that you still support them also helps them feel more secure in the relationship.
I love coming home and getting to see my husband. I have continuous support and comfort as soon as I walk through the door. It’s also nice just having someone else being able to connect me to the outside world. He is often the only person I see outside of school for days, even weeks, on end. However, I often struggle with guilt about our situation, because he often shuts off in a different room as to not distract me while I’m studying. I’m a terrible roommate because I can’t always help with the cooking or cleaning. Even though I’m home, he often is left alone because I have to focus. Or even worse, I spend long hours on campus and come home to him already asleep. Sometimes my guilt gets so bad that I neglect my studies because I get sick of neglecting him. There really isn’t a healthy balance that I’ve found yet. But he never complains. He just keeps supporting. He gladly goes to the other room so I can study. But the guilt is still in my head.”
And finally, financial support is always appreciated as a medical student. They often live off loans, have very little extra for fun, and are constantly stressed by money. If you are able to support them financially, that would reduce a significant burden off their plate. And they’re going to be well-off financially in a few years, so it’s not all in vain.
Don’t be a distraction
“I don’t like that when I study at home, he tends to interrupt me fairly frequently. We have had discussions about this and set boundaries, so this has gotten much better.”
One of the most frustrating things for a medical student is for their partner to be a distraction. Studying in medical school is not fun, and it takes a lot of concentration. It’s important for partners to be understanding of this requirement and respect any study boundaries that the student has. Most medical students already feel bad that they have to study instead of spending time with their partners. Therefore, they are trying to get through it as quickly as possible.
Constantly interrupting them to ask question, send them videos, etc., can be frustrating. It prolongs their studying, and can even cause them to lose their rhythm. Try writing down all the things you want to talk to them about, and then talk to them about those things when they are done. Now this doesn’t mean hole away either, if your partner likes your presence. You can both silently be together, which provides them a comforting space to get things done. It also gives you time to physically be around them.
Do communicate
Communication is extremely important for any relationship. To be a good significant other to a medical student, communicating is going to be of upmost importance. You may feel bad, or think that certain conversations aren’t necessary. However, hoarding them will do nothing but fuel your resentment towards them. The longer you store it, the bigger the blow up.
If you are feeling neglected, frustrated, annoyed, etc., its important to communicate that to your partner. They have to learn to be receptive to that feedback as your feelings are valid. However, they can’t make changes to their own behavior if they don’t know that they bother you. There are appropriate and productive ways to communicate that you feel a certain way about something they did. The two of you can find a good communication style that works for both of you and avoid big blow up fights as often as possible.
Ask your partner how they like to be told they aren’t doing something well. Bring things up sooner rather than later so you’re not just stewing on these feelings. Be straight-forward and talk about issues that really disrupt your side of the relationship. Medical students don’t have a lot of free time, and if some of it is going to be taken up by an unpleasant situation, it needs to be as productive and amicable as possible for both of your sakes.
“My partner and I have agreed upon couple time each day where we can spend quality time with each other. We have a lot of open communication and always make sure to check in with each other in terms of emotion, physical, and mental wellbeing. We find activities which we like to do each week such as walking on the beach or playing video games. Overall there is an understanding that we each are working towards important long term career goals and don’t get upset if the other has a lot of classwork to do.”
Don’t have ill-timed conversations
In saying that, it’s important to have some awareness when you are bringing up those conversations. Choosing right before a test to bring up something that could have waited until after the exam is not productive. This doesn’t mean that all things should be worked around their schedules. However, there are some conversations or disagreements that can be tabled.
“If we get into an argument right before an exam, it really throws off my concentration and makes it that much harder to do well.”
Decide what is worth potentially causing a significant source of stress for your significant other before something major, and what can wait. Perhaps, after sitting on the issue for a while, you realize it’s not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. Or you have more time to think about your approach to the situation so it’s not petty, disrespectful, or belittling. It’s a mature conversation where you express your feelings, and the two of you can have a good conversation about it. With the weight of an exam, project, presentation, interview, whatever, removed, your partner may be more emotional available for you to have those conversations as well.
Do talk about non-medical stuff
If you are not in medicine, not being able to talk about medicine does not make you a bad significant other. In fact, being able to talk about non-medical stuff will get you brownie points towards being a good significant other to a med student. They spend all day talking about medicine. Sometimes they’re being pimped on it, or engaging in conversations with other medical students that make them feel bad about themselves. Coming home and being able to talk about regular life feels freeing.
So, you can ask them about their day, but share parts of your day. They are interested. They don’t think it’s boring. And even if it’s not the most exciting thing, it’s still not the anatomy of the arm, and that makes them happy. Tell them about your family or friends. Spill some tea. Anything other than the Kreb’s cycle please!
“I love having someone who isn’t medically minded to come home to and talk to about my day. Everything I tell them is exciting and new, and in turn, they love watching me get excited talking about what I love.”
Don’t take up all their free time
Medical students are often pressed for time. So, when they get some free time, you may be excited for that, but so are they. It’s important to not overwhelm their free time by trying to make up for all the time you missed while they were studying. Right after a test is a time for decompression. This means doing something fun, chill, anything that takes their mind off school. If they express a desire to spend all that time with you, then plan away.
However, they may want a little bit of time to themselves. That’s okay, and you should respect that. They’ve spent the last however many weeks studying, catering to the relationship, participating in organizations, research, etc. If they finally have a moment where the only person they have to worry about is themselves, then allow them that time. It’s nothing to take personal. It’s just the little free time that they have can’t all be reserved for you. Talk with your partner and ask how much of their free time they need to themselves, and work with that.
“[I don’t like that my partner] monopolizes all my free time.”
Do help schedule time together
On that note, some times medical students don’t realize just how long they’ve been in the med school world, and they need help getting pulled out of it. This is how you can be a good significant other to a med student. Help plan things to do together. It takes a bit of the load off their plate if they don’t always have to plan dates, outings, trips, meals, etc.
If your partner is type A and likes to do those things, then fine. But, if they are overwhelmed with school, it may mean a lot to them to check with their schedule and plan something fun. It also helps to share your schedule with them so they can plan their studying around your schedule, and leave plenty of time for fun activities. This goes into communicating with them, and working with them and their crazy schedule.
“My SO gives me her schedule so I know when she wants to call, thus I can schedule my studying and chores around it. Making time for both school and your relationship is important.”
Don’t overload their plate
Another tip for how to be a good significant other to a med student is to not overload their plate. They often are juggling classes, research, study groups, journal clubs, extracurricular organizations, fitness, health and wellness, office hours, etc. If you live together, then they could have cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, going to the grocery store, meal planning, and whatever other duties are required of them.
Take some of this off their plate. Whatever you can do to remove the mental load from them will be monumental. And on top of that, don’t add to it. This isn’t the time to be immature or forgetful. Everyone involved is an adult, and fully capable of taking care of themselves. Taking the initiative to pay bills, shop, make meals, and remember important dates, are all tasks that each partner should be able to do without prompting from the other. Have some empathy for what’s required of them outside of the house, and try to help where you can.
“Often relies on me to schedule the appointments that he needs to attend or make phone calls on his behalf. There’s been a few times he forgot to pay a bill so now I have to keep up with bills. But at the end of the day…. It’s not a big deal because there’s so much more he has to take care of. Currently it’s a fair trade off in the grand scheme of things. At least I have some one to split the adulting role with.”
Do set aside any ego
One other thing you can do to be a good significant other to a med student is to set aside any ego. Sometimes your partner is going to be dead wrong. This could be due to them being tired, stressed, overwhelmed, insecure from school, etc. Most of the time, it’s not personal towards you. So, being petty, fighting with them to be right, needing to control various aspects of their lives is unproductive.
“Let’s ego and insecurities get in the way of productivity and communication [is something my partner does that doesn’t make things easier].”
It’s so easy to begin the silent treatment or choose to argue with them every chance you get. It’s even possible to feel threatened by what they are doing in medical school and project those feelings onto the other person. Recognize these signs within yourself and check them before they ruin your relationship. Nothing kills a relationship like getting into an ego battle. It’s also even more detrimental when you do it with someone whose ego is constantly under attack at school. Some times they just need the win. You don’t have to let things go all the time, so you’re not fostering bad habits. But again, deciding what’s worth the battle and what’s not is going to be important.
Don’t guilt trip
Last but not least, a tip for how to be a good significant other to a med student is to not guilt trip them. Most medical students already feel guilty for how much time they devote to school. To be compared to another partner who is doing XYZ for someone else is not encouraging. Being made to feel bad for wanting to spend free time doing something other than be with you is also not encouraging.
“Saying other medical partners do xyz or find time to do xyz with their partner [is something that my partner does that doesn’t make things easier].”
There are ways to communicate what you’re feeling without guilt tripping. If you’re feeling neglected, say, “Hey, I know you’ve been busy. I just feel like we haven’t spent much time together. Can we do something on __________ date?” If you are upset by something they’ve done or said, then just express that fact. There is no need to throw shots or shade, bring up already resolved issues, or anything similar to that. Making a med student feel bad for something is not going to create quality time or solve an issue in an ideal manner.
Key Takeaways
Dating a medical student is hard work. There is a lot you have to work around, most of which you have no idea unless you yourself are a medical student. The best thing you can try to do is understand where your partner is coming from, and constantly check in with them. Communicating your needs/expectations, and understanding where they are and where they can meet you will help you both be on the same page.
Unspoken expectations lead to unknown disappointments. Communicate with your partner, and also be receptive and understanding to what they’re telling you. Communication is a two-way street, that requires both listening and talking. If you both understand that, then hopefully you’ll be able to survive this crazy journey together.
1 thought on “How to Be a Good Significant Other to a Med Student: Do’s and Don’ts”