This post in my relationship series discusses with how to deal with a break up during medical school. It’s not the most lovey dovey topic to talk about, but it is a reality for many students going through medical school (including myself). Going through a break up sucks, especially if you are on the receiving end. But it doesn’t have to derail your track to becoming a physician. Everyone has their own coping skills and methods, so I’m including various options for how to deal with a break up during medical school.
These options were generated from a survey taken by other medical students, as well as recommendations from my own personal experience. Take them with a grain of salt and apply the ones that work for you. Healing from a break up is not a linear process. There are good times and bad times, so just go with the ebbs and flows. The tough part about experiencing a break up in medical school is life doesn’t stop. You will still have an exam coming up. You will still have to study. There is no time to wallow for weeks on end. So the important part of learning how to deal with a break up during medical school is to find something that works for you and your busy schedule with as little disruption as possible.
Continue reading to find out what other medical students did to deal with their break ups and see what works best for you. And you can check out the other posts in this series by clicking on a button below!
Accept the Breakup
I was in a relationship that I could’ve seen gone on to marriage. Breaking up was not what I would’ve wanted, but it’s what she wanted, so the relationship ended. I think we both did as well as we could to respect and honor each other through the relationship and after. I loved her and wanted the best for her, and that didn’t change when she broke up with me.”
When learning how to deal with a break up in medical school, the first thing you need to do is accept the break up. The relationship is over and you two are no longer together. Whatever future you may have imagined is not going to materialize. If it was their call, then accepting the break up may be a bit harder.
The longer the relationship, the harder this new reality may be to accept. You no longer have that person to talk to on a daily basis, someone to share inside jokes with, someone to have an intimate connection with, etc. This can be a great change to your daily routine and difficult to imagine, especially if you have not been single in a very long time.
Your initial perspective may be “Why is this happening?” However, as you work on accepting the end of your relationship, your thought process may change to “This has happened and it’s going to be okay.”
Be happy for you and them that you both get to move on and experiencing something new. Newness is scary and uncomfortable. But discomfort can be the perfect soil for your own personal growth.
Maybe you two could get back together, but focusing on that hope may lead to more hurt feelings. It’s better to focus on the fact that you two are never getting back together so you can begin the process of moving on and healing.
Just keep reminding yourself that things will be different, but you will be okay. And don’t forget, YOU’RE GOING TO BE A FREAKING DOCTOR!
Deal with Your Feelings
Lol, she dumped me the night before my [clinical anatomy] 1 midterms at 10 PM. So I kinda just tried to repress it until after, but that didn’t work.
There are two types of people: those who feel their feelings and those who suppress them. I am 100% a feeler. I tried to be a suppressor, but that did not work out for me whatsoever. The tears came whether I wanted them to or not, and at the worst possible time. If you know that you are greatly affected emotionally by the break up, then take the time to feel your feelings in a controlled setting. During the day, try your best to focus on school. Then, at the end of the day, set aside time to be sad, unashamedly. Cry, watch a sad movie, eat junk food, do whatever helps you get it all out.
If you are able to suppress your feelings in order to get through an exam or complete a tough stretch of school, make sure to plan time after your busy season for you to feel your feelings. Continuing to suppress them for the long-term is only going to work for so long. They will eventually come out and, most likely, at the most inopportune moment. Learning to appropriately control your feelings is not only important for learning how to deal with a break up during medical school, but learning how to manage all the feelings that come with medicine in general.
Talk it Out
Another option for how to deal with a break up during medical school is to talk it out. Talking about your relationship may seem like the last thing you want to do. But getting those feelings out can be very therapeutic. In medicine, there seems to be a culture of “tough it out alone”, and while learning to get through adversity is important, experiencing something as emotional as a break up is not something that you need to go through alone.
It was TOUGH. It’s honestly not something I can really say how I did it. Just took it day by day. I was in so much pain for months, but I kept my therapy appointments, and surrounded myself w friends. Talked to my family, etc.”
I made the mistake of dealing with my break up alone because I wanted to analyze my own feelings. As I worked through them and began to talk more about it, I realized how much support I was missing out on by talking to others. My therapist offered me great advice for moving on. My family and friends supported and validated me. Even the faculty and staff who I trusted with that information helped me get reorganized. Don’t underestimate the value that talking out your feelings can have. Being vulnerable is so hard, but the stronger a community you build, the easier it becomes to trust those around you.
Value Being Single
When you are in a relationship for a long time, your identity can be absorbed in the other person’s. Everything you know, like, and think can be influenced by them. Before you know it, you don’t really know who you are without them.
What do you like doing? What do you not like doing? How are you going to spend your free or alone time? These are questions that may scare you in the beginning of your break up.
However, as you work through learning how to deal with a break up in medical school, you will eventually find the answers to these questions. Before diving into another relationship, learn who you are. Value being single.
Single doesn’t mean you are lonely, but does mean that you are alone and will have lonely moments. These moments can be intimidating, but are great for growth and development. This is especially important if you are in your twenties and thirties as that is the time to really figure out who you are.
Even as you begin dating again, don’t lose focus on all the work you’ve done rediscovering yourself. Keep dating yourself. Take alone time throughout the week to feel comfortable with yourself. Do the things that you love and enjoy. This way, your identity is never so integrated in another person that you fear being alone to the point that you stay in a relationship that may no longer be serving you.
I didn’t jump right into a new relationship to distract myself, and I did make the effort to stay connected to family and church friends who supported me.”
Change Your Focus
Focusing on your break up to get over it is not for everyone. Sometimes, the best way to deal with a break up during medical school is to stay distracted. Staying distracted is definitely a short-term solution. Eventually, you will have to face your feelings and overcome them. But if you are not ready for that, then you can change your focus to something productive.
If you are in a school organization, then you can throw yourself into that. Maybe your grades have room for improvement and you can spend more time studying. If there is another craft or hobby that you have abandoned, then spend more time getting back into it. Whatever you choose as your distraction, just make sure that it’s serving you.
Set time to grieve but ultimately had to accept it wasn’t meant to be. Throw yourself I to things that make you feel fulfilled and continue making your future what you want. Without them.”
Watching Netflix or spending more time on social media is okay for a little while. But those habits can be addicting and start to cut into your other responsibilities. Serving others is also an opportunity for you to change your focus to something positive.
Volunteer, tutor, give back to your community. The more you pour into others, the greater you may feel about yourself and the more secure you may feel in your purpose.
Last Resort – Take a Break
I know two friends who had to take a break from school after a breakup. Breakups can be very difficult. Allow yourself to heal by crying your heart out at night and getting back to your books the next day. After my breakup, I took a vacation immediately after classes ended. I had mad fun and came back to the books. Just tell yourself you are the priority and your goals are the most important right now. If all else fails, develop a celebrity crush. Just stay away from Kofi Siriboe🤪”
One last ditch effort to deal with a break up during medical school is to take a break from medical school. This is unideal as it’s a disruption to your journey to becoming a doctor. However, sometimes, the break ups can be so bad that the emotional and mental toll is too much in addition to medical school workload. If you are really struggling to cope and your grades begin to suffer, talk to counselors at your school about your options. If you must withdraw from school, have a plan for returning so that way a moment in your life doesn’t completely derail everything you’ve been working towards.
Key Takeaways
Medical school is hard. Learning how to deal with a break up during medical school makes it that much harder. You will get through it, even if at the time, it seems like the most soul-crushing event of your life. However, take things day-by-day and eventually, you will have a new normal and wonder how you ever lived a different life. If you have been through a break up and have any other tips to offer, please leave them below in the comments!
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