As February is upon us, I want to take this time to start a new blog series called “Relationships and Medical School”. They are so important, but can also be very complicated and stressful. I didn’t just want to use my own advice for this series. So I sent out a questionnaire to other medical students to get their feedback. All I can say is relationships are complicated…for EVERYONE!
But being a medical student and trying to navigate romantic relationships comes with its own challenges. Reading these responses has me feeling like Carrie Bradshaw (in the OG SATC and not the hard to swallow reboot).
So I hope you all enjoy this series as we learn from current medical students what it’s like to balance relationships and medical school. I will be throwing in my own tidbits, but there was so many great responses I had to share it!
This first post focuses on dating as a medical student. Not everyone is boo’d up and married in medical school. In fact, more than half of the respondents were single.
Here’s what they had to say about how to date as a medical student!
Barriers to Dating in Medical School
Dating in medical school comes with many challenges. These challenges may be so great, that dating is actually not a priority to a lot of medical students. Most of the respondents stated that they were single and not even looking to date.
Considering the median age for entering medical school is mid-twenties, it may be a shock that most students are not interested in dating. But once you understand the lifestyle of medical school, it will be easier to understand that the streets are for the birds!
But in all seriousness, though, there are a lot of barriers to dating. Then when weighing the chances of actually meeting a decent person, dating can be really intimidating. Medical school provides enough stress that we can’t control. Purposely introducing the stress of interpersonal relationships sounds like less and less appealing.
When I asked why people were not dating, here were some of the barriers they listed:
Lack of time
The main reason that medical students said they were not interested in dating was a lack of time. Medical school is a full-time job with unpaid overtime. Between the 20-26 credit hours that we are enrolled in at any given time, and the task of just maintaining our own basic needs, it’s hard to find time for another person in there.
One respondent wrote,
“I don’t got time and the emotional bandwidth to stress myself out emotionally when I already stressed with medical school curriculum.”
And not only is it hard to find time to fit another person in there. It’s hard to justify spending the little time we have to ourselves on getting to know another person.
“With what little time i do have id rather be with my friends or do something for myself…” wrote one medical student.
Lack of interest
Not only is lack of time a problem, but sometimes, the lack of interest in those around medical students can be a barrier. With so much time spent with school, it may be ideal to date a fellow medical student. It sounds great, right?
You already spend all of your time together. Plus you clearly have something in common. And you can combine study and quality time, killing two birds with one stone.
But what happens when there’s no one in your medical school? This can be especially true for groups of students who find very little in common with their classmates. One of the responses regarding dating was,
“I’m a Black woman at a PWI [private white institution] med school so it’s not like there’s a dating pool at school.”
When you’re in a position where no one in your school meets what you’re looking for, the other challenging part can be just putting yourself in a place to meet someone. Apps are a struggle, and getting out to date can be really difficult and time consuming.
Temporary location
The other struggle with dating in medical schools is that the path to being a doctor is so unstable. Students are hardly in one place for a prolonged amount of time. Therefore, it’s hard to begin a relationship when you have no idea where you’ll be in 2-4 years. Also, if you know the area you go to school in is somewhere you would not consider staying for residency or long-term, then it’s also very discouraging to begin dating someone from the area.
“I’m not trying to stay in the area I’m currently in so there is no reason to form romantic relationships with people that live here,” was the response of one medical student who has no interest in living where they go to school.
Personal growth
Another barrier to dating in medical school is the need for personal growth. Some students are just transitioning out of long-term relationships and would like to take time to themselves before diving into something serious.
“I recently got out of a long-term relationship, and I’m genuinely taking this season to be more mindful and ‘work on myself.’ Not to sound cliche, but there are always good things that we can work on as we mature and grow as individuals. I want to be intentional with dating, and not just date to date, so I’m taking it easy right now.”
Dating when your time is precious makes selectivity a higher priority on the dating scale. Therefore, if med students have some personal things they need to work on, medical school leaves very little time for that self-improvement. Therefore, diving into a new relationship with someone is probably not ideal.
Considerations when Dating in Medical School
All is not bleak on the dating horizon. There are some medical students who would like to pursue romantic relationships while in medical school. A lot of students hope to begin that next chapter in their lives where they meet someone and live happily ever after.
But there are some things to consider if you’re one that is open to dating in medical school. Below are some common trends that respondents were looking for while dating:
Decide what you’re looking for
If you are open to dating in medical school, it’s important to decide if you’re looking for something serious or casual. It’s completely up to you if you’re just wanting someone to keep you company for the time being, or you’re looking for your future someone.
If you know what you’re looking for before you’re dating, this may help filter out those who are not a good fit. A common theme of those who did not want to date was that they didn’t want their time wasted by those who were not serious.
By setting this precedent early, you can state what you’re looking for and those who are looking for the same thing will stay around while those who aren’t will weed themselves out.
One respondent was very clear in what they were looking for, stating,
“Someone to keep the sad boi hours at bay 🥲 something meaningful but not too serious since we are busy and moving all the time. makes it hard to start something super serious.”
While others are looking for something more long-term, writing,
“It’s more courtship I’m looking for someone who is stable and secure, religious handsome etc.”
“[I’m looking for] A stable committed long term relationship”
“[I’m looking for] A serious relationship with someone who shares similar views/values”.
Have a good balance
Whatever your preference is for serious versus casual, it’s important to maintain a good balance. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, sometimes school comes first and other times your relationship does. You have to set that precedent, or you may find yourself struggling to balance the two.
The best way to maintain that balance is to express how hard you worked to get to medical school and how important that goal is to you. One medical student wrote,
“Someone who understands how important my career is and how much time I spent getting to this point. To know I will make the time, but they have to realize how much effort it takes to make the time.”
Those who understand will stick around, and those who don’t will be on their way out the door. You can make time to go have fun and date, or meet people. But also value your personal time. When you’ve finished your school time commitment, decide if you want to spend that time to yourself or give it to someone else. Having a good balance between the two may help dating be more fun and less like a burden.
What are the most important qualities
When looking to date, especially long-term, it’s important to decide what you are looking for. By pre-determining your qualities, you may be able to quickly weed out those who will not make the final cut. Sometimes these qualities and characteristics need a little flexibility, while others need to be rigid. You just need to determine what your core values are that you hold nearest and dearest, and which ones you would be willing to loosen the reins on.
Some things that current medical students are looking for in other people include:
“1. Someone who lines up with my core values( Religion, ethics, morals) 2. [is] supportive 3. [is] fun cute and funny I like to be around 4. Someone with a job/ job potential..ex. In school 5. Someone not doing drugs involved in crime etc.”
“Someone that can make me laugh and calms me down when I need it most and just respect the pace at which I do things.”
“Preferably someone at the COM [College of osteopathic medicine] because they’ll understand the stress/busy time. Someone kind and willing to make time for each other every once in a while. Ambition.”
“Someone who is athletic, adventurous, and assertive. Someone who can be the bigger spoon c;”
“Happiness. An escape from the med world. Someone spontaneous. Keeps me laughing bc med school ain’t always it…“
What are your deal breakers
As you determine what your qualities are, also determine what your deal breakers are. There are some qualities that you may be flexible on (appearance, favorite sports team, iPhone vs. Android (okay maybe I went too far on that one…because if it ain’t blue it ain’t true)).
But, there are other places where your values and beliefs need to align for a harmonious relationship. It’s true that opposites attract, but complimentary, like yin and yang.
Someone talks a lot while the other is quiet. Someone moves at the speed of light while the other takes their time and is more methodical. Qualities that enhance the other, instead of cause conflict.
Differences in religion, politics, and overall ethics and morals may cause more tension than growth. If you want to raise your children to have a certain belief or want to live a certain type of lifestyle, then these may be things that are non-negotiables. By establishing and sticking to these requirements, you will be able to filter through those who won’t be a good match.
If you are considering dating in medical school, take some time to determine what are your non-negotiables. These are important for relationships in medical school. If you are unsure, think about your parents/guardians and their beliefs, or the core values of your friend group. This may help direct your dating.
How to be Single…in medical school – Advice from Current Students
Being single in medical school has its pros and cons. On one hand, the only person you’re responsible for is you. You can operate on your own time and do things as you please. However, there are times when it may be lonely. It’s especially difficult when people around you are bood up and you feel like you’re the only single person in the group (I’ve been there and it SUCKS).
When negative feelings about being single creep in, ask yourself if it’s because of your proximity to couples or because you really desire companionship.
Here is some advice from current medical students about:
Getting boo’d up before in medical school:
“Lock down a mans before school. It feels impossible to invest in meeting someone new and dating with school consuming so much time.”
“Meet your person before or during medical school. It gets lonely. Lean into God during those lonely spells.“
Being happily single
“Medical school is a time of growth. If you don’t have a partner willing to grow with you and support you then it may be best to remain single. If you are single it is probably hard to meet new people with your schedule so allot some time to it, but don’t waste your days swiping right“
“Do not stress about not being a relationship while in school. What’s for you is for you and your time will come.“
“It’s okay to be a little selfish in medical school & not want to have to think about another person’s schedule/feelings/etc. If you are single, don’t force something that’s not there just because all of your classmates are in relationships.“
“I guess my only advice would be to make sure you start the relationship with expectations from the jump. It will really alleviate any stress, especially when med school is already stressful enough.”
Being single around coupled classmates
“My biggest advice is to not force anything. So many of my peers got in a relationship in medical school which adds this new pressure for people who aren’t dating to find someone – but don’t force anything. Trust Gods timing.“
“Honestly you will see some of your classmates dating and engaged and married and you may feel like something is wrong with you. But everyone’s journey in life is different so don’t feel the need to rush into something just because everyone else is. There’s many benefits to being single esp in medical school because it requires a lot of focus so look at your singleness as a blessing. With time surely you will find the right person, who knows maybe even in your class. If not, don’t worry, God will handle it. This is pretty morbid but I try to tell myself that I came here to this earth alone and I will leave it alone so I might as well be comfortable being alone.”
“You do not have to be in a relationship during medical school. these are transformative years, if you chose to be single do not let the pressure of your age or classmates or anyone force you into something you are not ready for. It may not be common but people graduate and find their SO after medical school, during residency, after training. Whatever it may be, your timing fits you best.”
Being single and dating in medical school can be tricky. But with patients, self-reflection, and a little help from those who are currently doing it, you’ll be just fine. Thank you for reading and I can’t wait to publish Part 2…Being in a relationship in medical school!
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