The next post in the series “Relationships and Medical School” is about how to survive living with your significant other in medical school. Whether you’re in medical school, or getting ready to start, you may be thinking about your living situation. If you’re in a serious relationship or married and already living together, then you may relate to some of these pros and cons. If you’re still deciding, then this list may help you make a decision and foreshadow some common challenges and benefits.
However, there may be some fears that accompany that decision. Maybe you’re unsure if living together is right. No one can make that decision but the both of you. There are pros and cons to cohabitation which we will discuss in this article. The important thing to remember is that decisions about your relationship can be made with open communication, so after reading this article, chat with your partner about your options.
If Cohabitating isn’t for you…
Before diving into the pros and cons of living with your significant other in medical school, I want to talk about what to do if cohabitating isn’t for you. I polled medical students from across the country, and about 1/3 of those in a non-long distance relationship were living apart in the same city. They had various reasons for not cohabitating such as:
Wanting their own space
“We wanted to continue having our own space while we grew our relationship. Also, we live really close together in the same apartment building which makes hanging out easy while still allowing us to have our own space. We make sure to spend at least 1 night a week overnight at each other’s house.”
Their beliefs would not allow them to cohabitate prior to marriage
“My religious convictions do not encourage living together before marriage.”
Their relationship was too premature for cohabitation
“Only been together for a short period of time. They work from home. I study at home. We choose to work together at home sometimes.”
Convenience or logistics
“My s/o lives at home with her parents because she started a job near home. If she were to move in with me, then she would have to drive over 30-40 minutes to get to work which wasn’t ideal. We make time for one another by calling or facetiming at night before both of us go to bed. During the weekends, we will watch shows or movies through Netflix party.”
There are definitely some pros of not cohabitating. You get to have your own space where you can have things how you like. You can have a schedule that works best for you without trying to balance someone else’s who is right there in your face. I am not cohabitating and in a relationship, and I very much enjoy coming home to a quiet house after having to be “on” all day. You don’t have to worry about cleaning up after someone else, either. You are very much in control of everything around you.
Whatever the reason may be for not cohabitating, certain students have decided that wasn’t the move for them. The important thing is figuring out what it is that you need so you can be successful in school. If having a partner is a distraction, then cohabitating may not be the best move. If having a partner is helpful, then you could consider making that move at some point. But don’t feel pressured to live with your S/O. Plenty of medical students don’t and are doing just fine.
Pros of Living with your Significant Other in Medical School
Two thirds of respondents who are in a relationship that is not long distance live with their significant other in medical school. They shared their insights on the benefits of living with their significant other and how they balance that with medical school.
Support and Quality Time
One of the biggest pros about living with your significant other in medical school is that you have someone to spend time with at the end of each day. Also, you have someone there to support you. Medical school can be really stressful and lonely. Coming home to a loved one can help you decompress after a long day. It’s also easier to plan dates that are lowkey – dinner and a movie on the couch, going for a walk, doing household chores together. Increased quality time together helps improve the intimacy and provide some positive feelings which are more than needed as a medical student.
“It’s way easier to manage school and hanging out with my s/o and just nice to have a support system with me.”
“Working out together, eating dinner together and watching our TV show, calling during our commutes, doing daily relationship gratefulness expressions, deducted date nights, family hikes/walks.”
Someone to talk to
“I love coming home and getting to see my husband. I have continuous support and comfort as soon as I walk through the door. It’s also nice just having someone else being able to connect me to the outside world. He is often the only person I see outside of school for days, even weeks, on end.”
At the end of the day, even if you may be all talked out from having to talk to people all day, it’s nice to come home and have someone to talk to. You don’t even have to talk about medical school or anything. But, you at least have someone there to ask you how your day was and vent to whenever something bad happens. There is also someone else to talk about their day so you don’t spend your whole day talking about the same thing. If you’re watching a show or eating from a new restaurant, you also have someone to share that with. Having someone to talk to outside of medical school life can be really nice (even if they too are a medical student – your relationship is outside of the school).
“I love having someone who isn’t medically minded to come home to and talk to about my day. Everything I tell them is exciting and new, and in turn, they love watching me get excited talking about what I love. He is also so incredibly helpful on those days or weeks where I’m swamped, and I’m grateful for it. He makes loving him so easy. The only thing I wish he was better at was refilling the Brita filter when it runs out!”
Financial support
Cohabitating with other people in general can relieve a huge financial burden. Medical students can’t work. We don’t have time. So unless we’re on full scholarship, most of us took out loans to fund our lives. This puts us on a really tight budget. It also provides other sources of stress as we are worried about the debt we’re accumulating. Living with your significant other can alleviate that burden and provide additional financial support. If they work full time and have enough money to support the majority of the household, that’s even better. You can decide how to split the bills, and hopefully reduce your loan amount. Besides, you’ll be a doctor one day so it will all even out.
Domestic help
Another pro of living with your significant other in medical school is you have someone to help with household chores. When you live by yourself, you are the chef, maid, and everything in between. After being at school all day, you may have to come home and clean up the kitchen. Don’t even get me started on laundry. Clothes may get washed. And they may get hung up and folded. But they never happen on the same day. Hell, they barely happen in the same week. When you live with your significant other, you can divide the chores. If they like cooking and you like cleaning, then you can split those tasks. It’s very nice to have someone help you do the human parts of your life when you feel low on time.
“Med school obviously makes me very busy, so it’s nice to always come home to him and spend quality time. It would be much harder to do that if we didn’t live together. I also love that he helps out with the things that I don’t have time for (hiring a maid, helping me meal prep, fixing things that are broken, etc.).”
Cons of Living with your Significant Other in Medical School
Living with your significant other in medical school can come with a lot of benefits. Sometimes, you don’t even realize some of the benefits until they aren’t around to do them. However, living with another person may not always be peaches and cream. There is another person who has a whole schedule that could interfere with yours. When you’re as high stressed and anxious as a medical student, the smallest thing (like leaving shoes in the middle of the floor AHEM) can set you off.
Here are some of the cons of living with your significant other in medical school, and are things you should consider when weighing if this is the best option for your relationship.
Little alone time
“[Things I dislike about living with my significant other] Less independent space , sometimes I enjoy more alone time.”
If you’ve been surrounded by people all day, sometimes all you want is to come home and be alone. But if you live with someone else, then that may not be possible. Also, if you live in an apartment, where there isn’t a lot of space to escape, then it can become problematic. Then you may feel guilty for having negative feelings for having your significant other around. All of these can culminate to an overall negative experience because you simply need a little space. This is something you’ll have to talk with your significant other about so you can both come up with a solution that works for both of you.
Balancing someone else’s life
When you live with someone else, you are a part of their lives, just like they are a part of yours. When your lives don’t align, this can be a struggle. Perhaps they have different a different work schedule. Maybe they had a bad day and you had a good day, or vice versa. One of you could be going through a rough patch that the other has to support. Whatever the situation is, balancing someone else’s life and obligations can be stressful. Maybe you need to study but they really want you to go to a work thing. They might really want to talk to you about what’s going on, and it’s just not a good time for you to be interrupted. how are you going to balance these situations? That’s a boundary that you’re going to have to establish.
Sometimes, a lot of guilt can settle in because you can’t give them as much time and attention as you would like. School is a lot, and it can be unsettling to have to decline them attention. Many students struggle with these feelings and it is one of the drawbacks of deciding to live with their significant other in medical school.
“However, I often struggle with guilt about our situation, because he often shuts off in a different room as to not distract me while I’m studying. I’m a terrible roommate because I can’t always help with the cooking or cleaning. Even though I’m home, he often is left alone because I have to focus. Or even worse, I spend long hours on campus and come home to him already asleep. Sometimes my guilt gets so bad that I neglect my studies because I get sick of neglecting him. There really isn’t a healthy balance that I’ve found yet. But he never complains. He just keeps supporting. He gladly goes to the other room so I can study. But the guilt is still in my head.”
But remember, you’re deciding to be with this person, and that includes their lives as well. You’ll have to find a way to balance your responsibilities while also being available as a partner. It can’t be all or nothing, but a constant reevaluation and reorganization of your priorities.
Distractions
When you’re a medical student, the end of the day may not be when you leave school. There are going to be sometimes when you still have to study at home. It can be hard to do this with another person at home. If you are someone who needs complete silence while they study, this can be especially hard. Living with your significant other in medical school may come with challenges when they don’t understand something about your school life and seem to show little consideration for it.
“I don’t like that when I study at home, he tends to interrupt me fairly frequently. We have had discussions about this and set boundaries, so this has gotten much better.”
Different levels of cleanliness
“Dislikes = different standards of order and cleanliness.”
Even though living with your significant other can be helpful, if you aren’t on the same page about household expectations, then their habits can actually be pretty annoying. If you are super anal, and they leave their clothes all over the place, this can cause issues as you try to get things done. On the flip side, if cleaning is low on your priority list, and they are hounding you about household duties, then that can seem pretty inconsiderate. During downtimes, you both may have to come to an agreement on who does what, and if there are times when one picks up the slack of the other because of high stress or a heavy load.
At the end of the day, pros and cons of relationships all require good communication. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and even if they don’t fully grasp what you’re going through, at least try to clue them in. You’ll be surprised at how understanding someone is when they love you. You’ll also be surprised at how simple solutions can be when you don’t have resentment against them for something of which they are unaware.
“Communication and being upfront about things goes further than holding on to it and blowing up over it later.”
If you’re still deciding, use this lit to determine which way the scale tips. No one can make the decision for you, but this is a pretty good idea of things to expect so you can be proactive. Talk with your partner as well. See where they stand on some of these topics. Come up with a plan before moving in together to avoid these problems. It won’t be foolproof, but it’s a foundational plan that you can adjust over time.
What other medical students are saying…
“I love having someone to come home to that is not also going to school with me, so I’m able to vent about my day without any judgment. However, sometimes he just doesn’t get it. But for the most part, it’s very supportive.”
“She takes up my workspace and my nice chair.”
“I like the snuggles. I don’t like commute to make it so we can live together.”
“It’s exciting having someone to come home to after school everyday. He really helps me create healthy boundaries away from school by being my “escape” from school. Romantic or not, I think its really important to have at least one of those relationships from school- one that can take you away from the stress and pressure that the medical school environment can bring.”
“Medicine is always going to be there. Your marriage is SO SO important. And sometimes, it’s worth sacrificing the quiz grade so that you can have a date night or have some form of connection with your spouse. It always ends up being okay. Nothing is worth sacrificing your marriage and family. Keep your priorities straight.”
“Schedule in your couple time, it makes a world of difference having it set in stone on your calendar. Being open with communication is extremely helpful and by being open you can better communicate your needs to your partner. Wellness check-ins with your loved one also helps and having dates scheduled.”
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