How to Be an Ally – Your Marginalized Friends are Tired

In a time of mass communication and immediate access to all the injustices of the world, there has never been a more important time to learn how to be an ally. The Merriam-Webster’s definition of ally is “one that is associated with another as a helper : a person or group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle.”

Marginalized people are individuals on the outside – the margins – whom are different than the majority of people surrounding them in terms of race, ethnicity, sexuality, etc. Because of their differences, these individuals are subject to hate, discrimination, microaggressions, and other forms of mistreatment.

These individuals have done an amazing job at speaking up for themselves. However, this wears and tears on them and takes away from their quality of life.

For me, being in medical school is already stressful. It’s a taxing experience to add on dealing with ignorant comments from my classmates and professors. Not only is it disruptive, but it further points out how much more different I am than my classmates.

I’m tired, and so are other marginalized groups. It is one thing to fight for what’s right, but it’s another thing to have to do it alone or out numbered. To our friends and classmates, you are doing us a disservice by staying silent.

“To stay silent in times of oppression is to choose the side of the oppressor.”

Bishop Desmond Tutu

You may not have the tools to know how to be an ally, but I am going to lay out ways that I would like my friends and classmates to speak up in times of all the –isms and –obias that impact so many marginalized people like myself.

Recognize your own bias

The first step to becoming an ally is to recognize your own bias. If you don’t recognize your own judgements and misconceptions, then how can you call out someone else’s? Everyone has bias, and everyone has privilege. It’s important to take stock of your own so you can begin to see where you may need improvement.

For example, I know that I am privileged because I have college educated parents and I have never had to worry about basic necessities or safety. I know I have bias against those who don’t come from “good” backgrounds or those who do drugs or those who I deem to be lazy.

Because I have these biases, I have to keep these in check everyday because they are my own natural biases. It’s imperative that I recognize these viewpoints and consciously remove them. Everyone deserves respect and the benefit of the doubt. And it’s not fair for me to mistreat or judge anyone based on the way they live their lives. I have no idea what they are dealing with or why they live life the way they do. At the end of the day, that’s their prerogative, but it’s my responsibility to be aware of my own biases so they are not affected by it.

Learn about your own biases with an implicit bias test. It is a test that tells you what your automatic judgements are about people. They are good benchmarks to help you realize where you need to start. Harvard has a great implicit bias test bank that evaluates your bias(es). If you want to know how to be an ally, this is a crucial tool to get you started.

Increase your empathy and accountability

If you see an incident and the first thing you think is, “That’s not my problem,” then you are a part of the problem. Sure, mistreatment of another may not have a direct impact on you and your life. However, having the empathy to at least recognize that it’s a problem and it’s not okay is the bare minimum.

Think to yourself, “How would I feel if that happened to me?” If the answer is anything other than, “Great!”, then you should feel something other than apathy. Especially if you’re going into the healthcare field, mistreatment of anyone is your problem because you’re going to have patients that come in all different shapes, sizes, and colors.

Removing your accountability and empathy from situations of injustice simply perpetuates this system of mistreatment and inequality. Even if you’re not going into medicine, it’s still important to recognize right versus wrong and put yourself in someone else’s shoes. At least having the awareness that someone is hurt or negatively impacted by something is a crucial step in how to be an ally.

Don’t be dismissive, be empathetic

Dismissive sentences like, “Oh they didn’t mean it like that,” or “I don’t think race [sex, sexuality, religion] has anything to do with it,” are also problematic. Your interpretation of what someone else felt is irrelevant. If someone thought something was sexist, then it was. If you didn’t think something was racist, it doesn’t matter. Your job at that point is to have empathy for the other person. At the end of the day, you don’t know what it’s like to be in that situation, or to be a part of a marginalized group. And even if you do, using that similarity to invalidate another person is wrong too.

If you want to learn how to be an ally, here’s a good video on how to be empathetic towards others. Take the message from this video so you can better support your friends and others, and be more effective.

Don’t make it about yourself

Although having empathy and taking accountability is high on the list of how to be an ally, remember that it’s not about you. You cannot capitalize on someone else’s pain and suffering. When you decide to be an ally, it shouldn’t be as a way to get more attention. You don’t get a pat on the back for standing up for what’s right, because that’s the bare minimum. Going in expecting that means you’re not really being an ally. You’re only in it for the good, not for the bad.

If you want to be a good ally, then you have to be okay with getting your hands dirty without all the recognition. Thinking, “What’s in it for me?” is selfish and counterproductive. You should be an ally just because you have friends, family or patients who you think deserve more respect and fair treatment. And you feel like you have the tools or power to make that happen.

You can take a walk in a marginalized person’s shoes without telling the world. Being an ally is a personal experience where you grow as a person and gain the trust and respect of those around you. Before you stick up for someone or participate in a cause, make sure to ask yourself “Why am I doing this?” If the answer is anything other than for the good of someone else, then you may need to do some serious soul searching on how to be a better ally.

Get comfortable with being uncomfortable

A lot of non-marginalized individuals don’t like to have tough conversations because it makes them uncomfortable. Just imagine how uncomfortable a marginalized person is being the only one in a room full of people who don’t look like them. It’s an uncomfortable experience everyday, yet we persevere. So your avoidance of hard topics is just an excuse to not threaten your own comfort. You don’t want to admit that if others are at a disadvantage, then you are at an advantage. Admitting that would mean that you would have to risk giving up that advantage which may scare you.

But this is a privileged fear, and getting to be comfortable all the time is also a privilege. However, no change ever happened without discomfort. We can’t move forward and help marginalized groups without being uncomfortable. Your bubble of peace and the non-existence of all the -isms and -obias is not reality. Although it feels good to live in, it doesn’t do anyone any good who actually is impacted by them. If you want to learn how to be an ally, you’re going to have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Take solace in the fact that you’ll survive the discomfort, but that you also will help ease the discomfort of others along the way.

Educate yourself and practice being uncomfortable

To be an ally, you have to educate yourself. You can’t scream at the top of your lungs if you don’t know what you’re screaming about. By educating yourself, you will expose yourself to the different things people go through everyday. Reading, watching the news, listening to podcasts and radio shows will expose you to all the different things people experience. This may make you very uneasy, because some people are experiencing some really tough lives and disparities you couldn’t even imagine. But without being uncomfortable and knowing what is going on, you’ll never be able to help or be effective.

Participate in tough conversations with your friends, elders, neighbors, professors, etc. Speak with them about their own injustices or the things they’ve experienced. Even ask how you have contributed to their discomfort. No one wants to hear that they are a part of the problem, but if you don’t know then you can’t improve. Seek out this knowledge and know that from discomfort will come growth.

Don’t be dismiss with the “Cloak of Peace”

Probably the worst thing you could do as an ally is shut down a conversation under the “cloak of peace”. You are tired of a conversation because it’s making you uncomfortable, so you pull the “Okay, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, let’s just stop fighting.” That’s counterproductive and just shuts down necessary conversations because of your own feelings.

Once again, working through moments of tension over a marginalized issue is not about you. Therefore, you don’t get to end the conversation when it starts to become inconvenient for you. Marginalized people don’t get to stop mistreatment or stop their discomfort at the snap of their fingers. Therefore, you don’t get to do it either.

Recognize that change takes time and that there are going to be tough debates before there’s anything even close to a resolution. Also recognize that you may not reach a resolution at that time, and things may be mildly tense for a moment. Putting aside your own feelings is going to be essential because you’re going to have to be acutely (temporarily) uncomfortable while your marginalized friends – who are chronically (perpetually) uncomfortable – work through a hardship. If you decide to not get actively involved, then that’s your choice. But understand you don’t get the right to give yourself and every other bystander [accomplice] a way out by coming in to be the “peacemaker.”

Recognize your strengths – and use them to “speak” up

At this point, I’ve given you personal development tools on how to be an ally. These were ways that you needed to grow and develop before jumping in the trenches with your marginalized friends. However, when it’s actually time to put these skills to work, it’s important to know how. The biggest thing to know when learning how to speak up is that you don’t actually have to speak up. If you are not a confrontational person then speaking up is going to be so intimidating that you won’t do it. Or maybe you lack the ability to tactfully speak on subjects, which can mitigate the impact of your words. Find your strengths and use them to “speak up” in whatever way that may be.

I have a classmate who told me he doesn’t like the USWNT because they always have to “get into stuff.” When I asked for clarification, his response was “I don’t really like it in any sport, but they always have to talk about things other than soccer.” I translated this as “Just shut up and kick the ball.” What I appreciate about the USWNT is that they have this huge platform – through social media, endorsements, money, and power – that they use to speak up on behalf of those who cannot. This is them using their strengths to call attention to injustice.

If you paint, then paint about equality and donate money or art to causes that support that. If you are a social media mogul, then use your platform to highlight the underrepresented. Even if all you do is like a message of someone else who spoke up against injustice, you are working to show support.

Use your voice when you’re ready

Being vocal is always effective and great, but if that’s not your strength, then don’t do it. If you want to do it, but just don’t know what to say, ask for guidance on how to handle situations. Practice stringing together sentences on how you would tell someone what they were doing is wrong and why. Stand in the mirror and articulate your words so you know how you’re going to address situations.

Just because you’re not confrontational, doesn’t mean you’re not powerful. Everyone is capable of speaking up, and if you can’t find a way how, then you most likely just don’t want to. In that case, I would urge you to go back to the beginning of this blog post and read through it again to find out why. Continue doing this until you work out why you are averse to speaking up for marginalized groups, because equality and fair treatment for all is a good thing in theory and in practice.

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