The next post in the series “Relationships and Medical School” is about how to make a relationship work as a medical student. It sounds impossible. School takes up so much of your time. Then whatever time you have left over is for you. So where does another person fit in there?
It is true. Balancing a relationship as a medical student is very hard. But if it’s worth it, then there are ways to make it work. You just have to find the right balance that works for both of you. Of the responses in my survey to medical students, almost half were in a relationship and had some great tips to share with you!
So first we are going to talk about some common challenges of how to make a relationship work as a medical student. Then we are going to talk about 10 ways that you can make a relationship work as a medical student.
Challenges of make a relationship work in medical school
A med student’s life is very complicated because it is so demanding and non-compartmentalized. We study all day at school, while attending class, and then are expected to continue studying at home. Plus, this profession seems to be so “one strike and you’re out” that there isn’t a lot of room for second chances.
Therefore, everything we embark on has a lot of weight on it. This puts us in a constant state of high stakes stress. This makes it challenging for medical students to be the best partner all the time. It can also make it hard for partners to truly connect if they are with a medical student. Here are some common challenges of making a relationship work as a medical student.
Study time is all the time
As I mentioned before, medical school is very demanding. Just the process of learning how to study in medical school is a job. Then when you have your method, you are constantly adjusting it to fit with different classes. Hardly ever do you feel like you’re comfortable enough to coast. When in a relationship, this can be difficult because studying all day, and then having to study at night can take away from time with your partner.
Considering the other person’s life
The other challenge to making a relationship work in medical school is considering the other person’s life. You may not be the only one with amazing career plans that take a lot of work to achieve. They may as well. But it’s so easy to get consumed in our own lives because of how involved becoming a doctor is. This career path is so nuanced and any little thing can put you ahead of the game, that everything seems like the most important thing in the world. However, your partner has things that are important to them, so every decision you make should include them, or they may feel as if they’re not being considered.
Compartmentalizing school and personal life
One of the most difficult challenges of making a relationship work as a medical student is compartmentalizing school and personal life. It’s not like we can shut away school when we close our laptops and leave the school, unless we leave fairly late. And even still, if there are exams, or we are behind and have to catch up, this just increases the bleedover.
Lack of understanding
One of the most frustrating things of being in a relationship is when you feel like your partner is not understanding, and this goes both ways. For medical students, the amount of work we have to do is not easily characterized. We can’t even explain it. You just have to experience it to know how much work we have to do. When we feel like our partner isn’t even attempting to understand that, or empathize, it can be really annoying.
“It’s very tough and harder as the person is not in a science field whatsoever and doesn’t grasp the shear amount of work it takes to be a student plus juggling extracurricular activities.”
Partners may also feel like they are not being understood when we make it seem like our whole lives revolve around school. Like we can’t take a break. Although it’s hard to find break time in medical school, it’s very necessary to avoid burnout. Not being able to have any balance in our lives, is not only not good for our relationship, but for our health and wellbeing.
On different pages
Probably one of the hardest parts about being in a relationship in medical school is when you and your partner are on different pages. It takes a certain type of person to be in a relationship with a medical school. That person has to be flexible, empathetic, able to communicate their feelings, and very supportive. If someone is insecure, needy, petty, and just unable to adapt to the ever changing lives of a medical student, then it may not work.
People know whether or not that’s the life they want. They may not know it right away, but eventually, they may figure it out. Listen to them. See if you both want the same things in life. Are they more or less work oriented? What do they want for a family? Are they okay with you potentially working a certain number of hours and being on call? These are all things to consider while navigating your relationship as a medical student.
“Turns out being a medical student and not being available was too much of a strain in my relationship. I respect that. She didn’t see herself being bound to the lifestyle that I chose :/”
10 tips to Make a Relationship Work as a Medical Student
1. Make time and set your priorities
If you want to know how to make a relationship work as a medical student, you’re going to have to make time. It can’t be all school all the time. Just like it can’t be all medical school all the time either. When you learn to schedule your life, then you can make time for the things that are important to you.
“I think the main thing here is time management and being honest about what you want. It did take me a few weeks to figure out that spending several hours in a call each day was not going to work, and neither was completely stopping calls during finals week. We also communicate well with each other so we were able to find a compromise for that. Neither of us needs grand gestures or anything like that so mostly we just try to find joy in being present in each other’s lives.”
Set a certain time to talk on the phone, or designated date nights, and try your best to adhere to it. Make it a priority so you are efficient during work times and nothing interferes with that time. However, if it’s low on the list, then you’re probably going to miss that time and end up rarely spending time with your partner. Everyone makes time for what they want to make time for, so be in control of your schedule and find a time that works for both of you.
“My partner and I have agreed upon couple time each day where we can spend quality time with each other. We have a lot of open communication and always make sure to check in with each other in terms of emotion, physical, and mental wellbeing. We find activities which we like to do each week such as walking on the beach or playing video games. Overall there is an understanding that we each are working towards important long term career goals and don’t get upset if the other has a lot of classwork to do.”
2. Share with your partner, and be present when they’re sharing with you
Medical students spend the whole day interacting with people, so may be socialized out by the end of the day. However, sharing parts of your day with your partner can help give them some insight about what it’s like to be a medical student – especially if they are not in medicine. Sometimes it’s a relief to talk to someone not in medicine because they are so intrigued and surprised at what you’re talking about.
“Most of the relationship really depends on the fact that my partner understands that being a med student is hard and that I sometimes won’t have the time. When I do have the time I try to make it so that my school is not at my focus and the time we have together is undivided. It also really helps that my partner wants to know what I am learning so sometimes I’ll share with him what we’re doing and also share the funny things that happen. You can’t stick your finger up another man’s butt and not share that with your partner and have a good laugh about it.”
If your partner is in medical school, sometimes you want to keep a boundary and talk about something else, so find other partners of your life to share. Just be open with them and let them know what you’re thinking. And then return the favor. Listen to them and be present when they are sharing with you.
If you’re on your phone, working on your laptop, doing Anki cards, then you’re not really listening. Take just 30 minutes, or even use a meal, where you both get to share your day and don’t let anything else distract you.
3. Be understanding and have grace
It can be so easy to get very frustrated when you feel like your partner is not understanding the life that you live. You’re busy, tired, and probably on the verge of burning out. Then for your partner to get onto you about leaving the cabinets open, or not being very talkative, or being five minutes late to a date can seem like the final straw.
But before you explode, try to be understanding about where they’re coming from. And have some grace for them as well. They can’t read your mind. They don’t know that you got a bad grade on a quiz and a professor embarrassed you that day. Explain to them that you’ve had a bad day, and acknowledging you did something that hurt their feelings, and can be more mindful can reduce some of the tension.
“Lots of conversations about our status in school and our status in our relationship. We both have to be understanding that sometimes our career comes before the relationship but that we have to do a lot to keep the relationship healthy and alive.”
4. Be creative
When you’re in a relationship in medical school, it can be hard to do all of the couple things. Spending time together, going on dates and trips, etc. just may not be a reality. Therefore, you’re going to have to get creative. If you’re long distance, facetimes and texts can get monotonous. However, sending letters, or playing games over the phone can introduce some creative and fun ways to talk to one another.
If you want to get away, but don’t necessarily have the time or funds, then consider a staycation. Get a room in your city and spend some time away from home. Maybe there are cute community activities like movie nights in the park, or fairs that you can go to. Try a fun recipe together and do a virtual cooking class. Just think outside the box of things you can do on a tight schedule and tight budget to make sure your relationship stays fun.
5. Be honest and communicate
It’s very important that you be honest and communicate the things you want out of life and the relationship. Sometimes that means you’re communicating that the relationship is no longer working. But other times, you’re communicating that you love the support of your partner and want the to continue being there for you in that way. Other times, you can communicate about your feelings about what’s happening at school and in you life. Let them in and encourage them to do the same. This can help put you both on the same page and provide you some more support.
“You need to make time. You can’t “wait until you’re free” to spend time together. If you don’t plan your schedule around time with your s/o, it WILL get filled with something else. Communication is also extremely important. If you are extremely stressed, you need to communicate that to your partner instead of shutting down or “ghosting” them.”
6. Know your intentions
When you’re in a relationship in medical school, it’s very important to know if you’re dating this person casually or have intentions of it being a long-term thing. Without this understanding, you may be confused about your expectations of this person, as well they. Make sure you both know what the end goal is, and then plan for that. If the end goal is just to date casually, then you may not have to include them in your plans for the future.
“Luckily my partner doesn’t require a lot of quality time so they are really good at managing the times I have to be away studying and he also knows that this won’t last forever. And we are together with the intention of marriage, so we both have a long term outlook on things which makes it easier because my partner knows that all that I’m doing now is to help us have a better future. And we love each other so that makes it even easier.”
However, if you want to be together for the long-haul then you’re going to have to make certain decisions with them in mind; residency, away rotations, type of specialty, etc. Take some time to think about this for yourself, and then talk with your partner and see where they are to make sure you’re moving in the same direction at the same pace.
7. Create a solid foundation
Some relationships started before medical school, potentially giving them the advantage of getting to create a foundation before beginning the hectic journey to being a doctor. However, others started their relationship in medical school, potentially making it a little harder to deal with the ups and downs. Regardless, in order to make a relationship work as a medical student, you’re going to have to create a solid foundation. That foundation can be spiritual, based on your values, include family, etc. Whatever it is needs to be something that can withstand the friction that may arise during the training and education of being a doctor.
“My SO is respectful of my wild medical journey. He always makes time to listen and understand, and I do the same for his military journey. It’s especially helpful that we were already in a relationship for about 2 years before I started medical school, so we had a solid foundation built prior to medical school challenges.”
8. Compromise
An important component of any relationship is compromise. Sometimes you’re not going to get your way, and that’s okay. But other times you are going to have some non-negotiables that will go your way. Either way, meeting somewhere in the middle where you both get some or most of what you want will help to alleviate any resentment or other negative feelings. Relationships can’t be seen as a you win, I win situation. But a we win. Instead of one person getting 100% of what they want and the other getting 0%. Both can get around 50% which, is easier said than done, but in the grand scheme of things, ensures both parties at least feel heard.
“You make time for the things you want to make time for. It’s not always easy, but you and your partner have to be willing to compromise. Even if it’s 30 minutes of convo before bed or watching a quick show together.”
9. Set boundaries and respect them
Another way to help make a relationship work as a medical student is to set boundaries. If you have to study at a certain time with a certain setting, then establish that. Let your partner know what you need and why. By setting these boundaries, it may make it easier to set aside time for your relationship without feeling anxiety over what’s not being done in terms of school. Do the same for your sleep schedule, gym time, food, money, and all other aspects of your life that may cause turmoil if they get out of control.
“For your relationship to last, you have to make time for your partner each day. Make sure your partner knows your daily schedule because that will help you avoid unnecessary text messages/calls during study/class time.”
And when your partner sets boundaries, respect them as you would like yours respected. If they need a certain amount of time to work, or do any other activities, then that’s time for them to recharge as well. Talk to each other about what your boundaries will look like so everyone is on the same page. The more consistent you both are, the better you’ll be able to manage your “me time” so you can enjoy your “we time”.
10. Keep love at the center
Whatever you do, keep love at the center of your relationship. If things work out, your relationship will be there a lot longer than medical school. Therefore, you don’t want to sacrifice it (unnecessarily) for a season of turbulence that will be over before you know it. Try to understand why your partner does the things they do, and most of the time, it will be because they love and miss you. Keep this in mind as you navigate your relationship and establish healthy boundaries and priorities so you can make your relationship work as a medical student.
“Having someone to love and support me through this process has been incredibly beneficial. There are certainly some challenges and times when she feels I am not balancing my roles as a partner and student but I can’t imagine my life without her.”
What other medical students are saying…
“Schedule in your couple time, it makes a world of difference having it set in stone on your calender. Being open with communication is extremely helpful and by being open you can better communicate your needs to your partner. Wellness check-ins with your loved one also helps and having dates scheduled.”
“Medicine is always going to be there. Your marriage is SO SO important. And sometimes, it’s worth sacrificing the quiz grade so that you can have a date night or have some form of connection with your spouse. It always ends up being okay. Nothing is worth sacrificing your marriage and family. Keep your priorities straight.”
“Being in a relationship can be difficult in medical school depending on who you are with. Make sure your partner understands your priorities and is willing to accommodate them.”
“Find someone who is understanding and can help uplift you. Being in a relationship can be stressful when you are not in the right relationship for that season so if you find that it isn’t working at that time, it’s ok.”
“Choosing your spouse will be the most important decision of your life. If you’re reading this and are already a medical student, finishing your training comes first. (Your physical and mental health actually do, but if those things are stable..) You wait/look for the partner that is willing to understand what accommodations you can and can’t reasonably make. You need to get your footing as a medical student and understand how much of medicine you want to make your life, because medicine can consume all of your time and energy if you’re not careful. If you plan to have a family/partner, make sure you plan to be there for them too. Find your balance, find your partner. (I’d also add find God because that’s very important to me.)”
“Make time for your loved ones. Medical school will always leave you burnt out and the best way I have found to get myself motivated again is by talking with my loved ones. Whether it is my significant other or members of my family, they remind me why I chose medicine and bring me comfort in times of difficulties.”
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